Broken and Messy

Many things in my life are broken and messy.

People would often (as in every time they see me) ask/bug me why I'm still single. They would start with asking the million-dollar question,"So who's your boyfriend now?" (as if expecting that I have a new boytoy every time they see me). Then they would follow up with, "But you're smart and beautiful, sayang naman (what a waste)!" or "You should be married by now because your biological clock is ticking." I would usually respond with "So what if I'm still single?"

Seriously people! Get a life and quit stressing about my own!

The only person who has earned the right to stress about my dating life is my mom who just told me yesterday while we were dicussing yet again my single status, "It'll be difficult to get pregnant and give birth once you turn 30."

Most singles out there would go with the cliche "I'm single by choice". Some of them may very well be telling the truth but in reality most of them are just saying that so they won't look like, for the lack of a better term, losers. You can't really say "Oh I'm single because no guy has asked me out in the last century." No one in their right mind would admit to being undesirable!

But not me. Because at this point in my life I am NOT single by choice. If I had a choice I would love to be in a relationship right now. I love to be in love! But there are things in my life that still need sorting out before I can commit to someone. Even if I want to, I still can't. I am single by default. For now, that's my default setting.

Many things in my life are broken and messy. I am a product of a dark and hurtful past. I have a closet full of skeletons (who hasn't, right?) that I'm hoping will be kept buried and never to haunt me again. I have often blamed other people for it---from my absentee and alcoholic father to my always-too-busy to-have-time-to-listen mother to my sister, cousins, classmates and playmates who teased me for having dark-skin when we were kids (they even said I was adopted and my real parents lived in the slums alongside the Pasig river) to the jerks I have so many times ranted about in this blog who broke my heart.

But because of God's grace, He has given me the strength to finally admit to myself and to those people that I'm not a child anymore therefore I shouldn't be blaming other people for my own mistakes and bad decisions. It's time I own up to my choices. I no longer choose to be a prisoner of my past...of my anger, wrath and unforgiveness. I am learning to forgive myself and receive the forgiveness of the cross.

Over the years I have collected a string of broken hearts---mine and those that were broken because of me. I often referred to my first boyfriend as my "training ground". I had a relationship boot camp with him. He absorbed all the hard punches and blows of a screaming spoiled insecure brat. And yet inspite of that he still loved me and even begged to work things out (I'm surprised that we remain good friends until now). But old stubborn me thought that I have successfully passed boot camp and was ready to join the troops (read: move on to the next guy). What I didn't realize was that the Lord wasn't done with me yet. I still had so much training to do but I chose to prematurely cut that training short. Because I was in such a hurry to skip the growing up part and move on to my happily ever after I ended up getting beaten and badly wounded. I wasn't ready yet.

But the good news is all these things can be mended in Christ. I may be broken, but I know that I can bring it to Jesus and He can make me whole again. He can glue me back together and clean up the mess. There are days when I feel down and depressed but I always remember that I belong to a people blessed by God and when He has blessed, He would never revoke it.

"...but the Lord your God turned the curse into blessing for you because the Lord your God loves you." Deutoronomy 24:5

Too many times I have felt unworthy, that I have not lived up to the expectations of people and even myself. But I learned that that is if I focus too much on other people and myself. However, if I focus on God who reconciled all things to Himself then I will find fullness in Him. If you've seen Jerry McGuire you know very well the famous line, "You complete me". But this is what I've realized over years of failed relatonships... No human being, nothing on earth can ever complete me, only God can. It says so in Colossians 2:9-10:

"For in Him all the fullness of Deity dwells in bodily form,

and in him you have been made complete,

and He is the head over all rule and authority..."

I have always been angry, disappointed and unfulfilled because I expected my family, friends and especially my boyfriends to fill a void in my life and make me feel complete. I have depended my happiness on mere human beings so whenever they fall short of my expectations I get mad, hurt and frustrated. I blamed my unhappiness on others. But fullness will only come from God. So don't go searching for it in people, money, possessions and achievements. It's a waste of time and energy to put your hope on temporary things that in the end will be in vain. Having a boyfriend/girlfriend or being married doesn't necessarily equate to ultimate happiness.

People have often told me, and this include ex-boyfriends, "Pag nagmahal ka wag mo ibibigay lahat, magtira ka para sa sarili mo" (When you love someone, don't love them with your all, leave some for yourself). Until this day I don't get it. What do you mean by leave some for yourself? It just goes against the Bible's principle of loving unconditionally. In my point of view, it should be: When you love someone, love them with all your heart but always love God first with all your heart, mind, body and soul above anyone. Find your fullness and identity in the Lord so just in case you relationship fails you will have the strength to move on because your joy is complete in the Lord.

I would like to say that the new me has learned her lesson. But, I still haven't got life quite figured out yet. I'm still on a quest... searching for what I truly want in life---career-wise and relationship-wise, and where I really want to be. I'm a work in progress, God isn't finished with me yet. I'm still in relationship boot camp but I hear that I'm making progress.

Relationships can be at times messy, frustrating and does not meet my expectations but in spite of that I no longer wish to remain jaded and bitter and choose to love instead.

This is my prayer, "No matter how wanting and longing I am, you fulfill me Lord. No matter how shaky and unclear my future is, I know for a fact that it is secure in you. Help me to make you number one in my life (and heart), my true source of joy and fulfillment. Amen."