One hot summer afternoon my sister and I started arguing. As sisters we have a knack for turning a petty argument into a war zone. It was as simple as who will answer the phone.
Ate: "Get the phone."
Michy: "You're nearer, you answer it."
Ate: "I don't want to answer it because I don't want people to know I'm here."
Michy: "Well, I'm not getting it."
Ate: "I'm not getting it either."
This went on and no one seemed to want to give in until I stood up to answer the phone... then it stopped ringing. A few hours later, the phone started to ring again. This time I didn't say a word and just answered it. It was my mom.
Mom: "I was surprised to see Bruno online." (Bruno is one of my exes. Of course that's not his real name)
Michy: "You're chatting with him right now?"
Mom: "Not anymore. We just finished chatting."
Michy: "Maaaaa! Why didn't you call me while you were chatting with him? I would've gone online. I want to talk to him too."
Mom: "I was calling you but no one was answering the phone. I thought you guys weren't home."
Michy: "Oh. So that was you who was calling..."
My mom told me in detail exactly how their conversation went. I kept saying that I wished I could've gone online if only she told me she was chatting with him while my mom kept pointing out that no one was answering the phone.
As soon as I put down the phone, I felt tears rolling down my cheeks. I don't know why but I felt really sad after hearing about him again. I haven't heard from him in almost a year now. Months after we broke up I tried to keep in touch but he made it clear that he doesn't want to, at least for now but may be in the future daw (at kailan pa kaya yun? pag over na 'ko sa kanya? pag huli na ang lahat?). He kept saying that we're still friends and it's not like he's never gonna talk to me ever but what he's doing now is quite the opposite. I sat crying on the floor opposite my sister.
Michy: "Why am I crying? I shouldn't be crying anymore! It's been almost two years now!"
Ate: "Ewan ko sa'yo. Bakit ka nga ba umiiyak?"
Michy: "Because I so desperately want to talk to him. It's not like I want us to get back together but he could at least be friends with me and still talk to me!"
Ate: "Ganun talaga. For some people it's better not to stay friends with their ex."
Michy: "Funny how I don't understand why Bruno can't be friends with me when I find Pipoy (a more recent ex, of course I didn't use his real name as well) really stupid for not understanding why I don't want to be friends with him."
In the article Can You Still Be Friends With Your Ex? I wrote two months ago, I talked about how there are some exes you can be friends with and some that you just really can't. I mostly talked about the jerks I dated in the past and how they're the type of exes I just really can't be friends with. This one particular recent ex, Pipoy, kept bugging me to remain friends with him. I think he's really annoying and stupid for not getting the fact that I never want to hear from him ever again because... well, he's a douche.
I guess I can't blame Bruno for not wanting to keep in touch. I did break his heart by giving up too quickly. As much as I have my reasons for not being friends with Pipoy, I'm sure Bruno also has his own reasons for not wanting to communicate with me even only as friends. (Kung ano man yung dahilan nya eh bwiset sya! Friends lang naman ayaw pa nya! Buti pa nanay ko kinakausap nya at minsan pa nga nag-eemail sya tapos ako ayaw nya kausapin! Ang arte nya ha! Bitter-bitteran nanaman ako... Wahahaha!)
What made me really cry was when I heard that he said, "I still think about you guys." Even though he didn't say "I still think about your daughter, Michy" (pero syempre hoping ako na sana nga yun ang ibig sabihin nya..hehe) at least I'm one of those people he still thinks about. At least he still thinks about me, period.
I still think about him too.
Even after I've dated a few guys after him.
None of those relationships ever worked out because deep inside I knew that I was only on the rebound trying to move on (meaning move on to other guys). At the end of the day I just realized even more that I'd rather be with the one I really want instead of settling for a consolation prize.
It's been almost two years now. I really wanted to believe I was genuinely completely over him. I literally deleted and burried everything about him. I've given up all hope that we can ever be together. I've actually already accepted the fact a long time ago that we're just not meant for each other. It seemed to me that I'm over him. But I guess I'm not. I wouldn't be crying if I am. I may seem pathetic but that's the truth. It's a truth I've been battling to escape and deny. I still miss him and I miss him even more each day that I'm far away from him.
Michy: "You know Ate, mama could've told him something like, 'Michy is also online, would you like to chat with her too?'"
Ate: "Eh pano kung ayaw ka naman niya pala makausap, anong gagawin mo?"
When my tears have dried, I then realized that there's a reason why my sister and I were too lazy to pick up the phone that day. It may be God's way of sparing me even more pain because if I would've gone online there's a big chance that he would probably go offline the minute he finds out I wanted to chat with him. Or may be it's not yet time for us to start talking again. It's better this way...sila na nga lang ng nanay ko ang mag-usap!
I honestly thought that I've happily moved on. That I could care less if I hear news about him again.
But I guess I never really got over him.... I just learned to live with it.