Saturday, January 24, 2009

Can You Still Be Friends With An Ex?

One of my recent exes kept resurfacing. For months he's been bugging me to go out with him "as friends" but I would turn him down each time he makes an attempt. Until finally one day I told him off. He just couldn't take a hint. There's a reason why I walked out on him---I want him out of my life...permanently! When I told him that I'm already seeing someone else that's when he promised to never bother me ever again. Which of course only lasted a month or two because he did a huge favor for our family. He didn't ask for any payment...but he did ask that I go out with him. I had no choice. I had to go out with him. However, I told him that it's not going to happen again. It was just that one time, as a thank you. He couldn't understand why we can't be friends in spite the fact that I've explained it to him over and over.

"I know it was all my fault. I made a huge mistake and I'm sorry. I've already asked God for forgiveness for what I did to you, why can't you forgive me? I've done everything, I did this huge favor for your family. What else can I do for you to forgive me?", he asked.

And I replied, "It's not that I haven't forgiven you, because I have. But, you've led me to believe that you're ready for a relationship only to tell me that you're not just because we were starting to encounter problems. You've let me down and proven that you're not man enough, not strong enough. You want the benefits of being in a relationship yet you're not willing to make the necessary sacrifices to make it work. I just couldn't find it in my heart to trust you again....ever! Not even as a friend".

After that conversation I'm assuming that he got the message because I never heard from him again. However, I'm still friends with my first ex. I'm still friends with his mom and see her occasionally. Even my mom is still friends with his mom. There's an ex that you can be friends with.... and there are some that you just can't. I guess it depends on what kind of relationship you've had or how deep your love was for each other or how you both ended the relationship. So the question is...

Can you still be friends with your ex?

#1: Not if he's a major douche bag.

There's a number of reasons why you two broke up and if one of them was because he's a real jerk then that's reason enough why you shouldn't stay friends with someone who treats people so badly especially the one person he claims to love. He's in love all right! With just one person... himself!

#2: Not if he's dragging you down.

I'm too busy with work.
I have father issues.
I'm still looking for "myself" (probably lost his balls too).
I have problems at home.
I'm not ready for a serious commitment.
My previous girlfriend cheated on me.
I'm too afraid to get hurt again.

"Ang daming excess baggage!" If your ex has a long list of crappy excuses why he couldn't be with you but is still hanging around (e.g. still calling/texting, asking you to go out "as friends") you better get rid of him! Or else he'll just drag you down with him to his endless pit of unresolved issues that you could trace back all the way to his childhood which up until now he hasn't dealt with. You don't need someone like that in your life if you want to move forward. He will just hold you back. And don't try to be the hero and foolishly believe you can save him. You're not God! It's something he needs to deal with himself and with God.

#3: Not if he's acting like he's still your boyfriend.

Unless of course you still want him to be and you're settling for this kind of pseudo-relationship just because you can't bear to lose him. "Parang kayo pero hindi talaga kayo". This is the part where your relationship is in a limbo. It's not clear yet where it's heading but because you can't completely let go, you hang on to it for dear life...even if it means you're hanging by a thread. How can you totally move on if you're still doing things you used to do when you were a couple? You tell yourself that "it's better this way at least I haven't completely lost him". But honey, you're only cheating yourself and prolonging the agony. If he's acting like he's still your boyfriend why can't he give you the real thing?

#4: Not if you ended on a bad note.

Ex: "I don't understand! Why can't we be friends?"

You: "Uhmm.... We did not end on a good note?! Helloooo!"

It all depends on how you ended things. If it was all violent and bloody with exchanges of nasty and hurtful words at times bordering on verbal and/or physical abuse then that's obviously ending things on a bad note...majorly bad! Although it could be as cold as sending a text message that goes a little something like this:

"It's over [your ex's name].... It's soooo over!"

And he replies with:

"I'm sorry [your name] I'm not ready for a relationship".

And he's telling you this now?! Then you never hear from him again.
After 48 years (where he hid under a rock or started dating someone new the day after you broke up) he comes back and realizes that he was a coward for not ending things properly and talking to you face to face. Seriously?!

Guys, if you know for a fact that you're not ready for a relationship then quit going out with girls! This isn't a game where you can just "have fun" and never be responsible for anything. What could start as something innocent and casual could lead to something deeper where emotions develop into genuine feelings. And then when you can't take the heat anymore you drop the relationship like a hot potato! Don't start a fire where you know someone will get burned. It's just plain mean and selfish. You're no different from a 5-year old boy who when he has destroyed a toy discards it thoughtlessly and moves on to the next brand spankin' new toy.

And yet these boys call themselves men? When in reality, most of them have the emotional maturity of a horny 15-year old boy.

#5: Not if you've lost that "blind trust".

Blind trust is where you put your complete, unshaken, untainted trust on someone who hasn't done anything to lose that trust...yet. But once lost, you can never trust that person the way you used to. In the back of your mind you know that there's always that chance where he would let you down... again and again and again. If as a boyfriend he couldn't be trusted, what more as a friend? It's difficult to stay friends with an ex whom you know you can't count on.

If he will do everything to prove himself worthy of your trust then you can reconsider but if he hasn't then you're better off without him.... even as a friend. You don't want an "occasional friend" who's only there from time to time. You don't want someone who will only be there for you when it's convenient for him. You don't want someone who will turn his back on you the moment things get tough. You want someone who will stay loyal, who will stick with you through good times and bad...that's what a real friend should be like. Loving someone entails a certain amount of sacrifice and it doesn't apply only to romantic relationships, even in friendships. If he's not willing to sacrifice in a commited relationship how can he sacrifice for someone who's just his friend?

If you stay genuinely "just friends" with an ex then that's awesome. But if you can't, whatever you do you just really can't, sometimes it doesn't mean that you're being bitter or is still not over the person. It could mean that it's just the way it is. He can no longer be a part of your life in any way or form.

He's that someone you have to delete from your friends list....

to make room for someone new.

1 comment:

  1. friends with your ex? ahhhh medyo di ako favor dun... ewan... pero i tried it once at hindi naging maganda sa pakiramdam ko... nasasaktan pa rin kasi ako tuwing nag kkwento siya sa love life niya(selos ako) hahahaha pero may nag sabi sa akin... ay gf ko pala nag sabi nun... " i don't recycle trash" hahahaha