No Happily Ever After

When you're single all you're really looking for is a happy ending.... Unfortunately the sad reality of life is this: Of all the times you've fallen in love only one of your stories can end that way. The inevitable happens where the rest end with someone getting hurt. No happily ever after... just a whole lot of hurt.

So let me tell you the story of that "Jerkass" (yup that's what I call him now: jerk + ass) I've been ranting about in my previous blogs---'Return of the Ex-Men' and 'Why Are Men Such Jerks?'. The one who fell asleep while we were on a date (he calls it "The Old Spaghetti House Fiasco"), who constantly goes MIA on me whilst giving lame-ass excuses for his sudden disappearances......... and who was close to being the "One".

You see he wasn't always a jerk to me. At least not when I first met him.

In 2007, he was introduced to me by one of my bestfriends. I never liked being set up with someone because... well, it's just plain awkward! There's nothing natural about it. I feel like the whole thing is scripted. But my friend made a good case about why I should go out with this guy so I finally agreed.

When I first met him I thought to myself that he's just okay. Physically, he's not my type but he's not that bad either. I didn't expect that there was going to be a second date because I didn't feel that we had a connection. Much to my surprise, he asked if we can go out again the next day! And it wasn't just an ordinary date. It was his birthday! And he invited me over to his house where I would meet his family and friends! On the second date? Awkward much?! Way to scare off a girl! Naturally, I said no. But I'm not an ice queen you know! Since it was his birthday I just offered to see him the day after. And then we went out again the day after that and the day after that. When we're not together he would text me every hour the whole day and even when he's at work he would call me every chance he gets. When I noticed that we're spending way too much time I told him that we need to at least not see each other for a few days.

And he replied "Kung pwede nga lang araw-araw kita kasama." (If it's only possible to see you everyday I would do that.)

Warning bells started ringing in my head! I thought to myself "Uh-oh! He's showing signs that he's gonna be a clingy boyfriend!" Now, I am someone who spells love as T-I-M-E. I value quality time a lot! When I am in a serious relationship there's nothing more I love than spending each waking day with the one I love. Normally, that would be one of the sweetest things a guy could ever tell me but not someone I've only been going out with for barely a week! In my opinion, he said it too prematurely! And that definitely scared me off. I started considering to slowly run away from him. Luckily for me I was scheduled to go on an out-of-town trip for 8 days!

And on that trip I met someone else.

Now this other guy swept me off my feet! There was an instant connection between us! We were inseparable the moment we met! And when he asked me if we can be exclusive just after a week of dating he didn't scare me at all and I blindingly said yes. When he left and went back to his country we tried to make our long distance relationship work but sadly it was short-lived. We couldn't survive the distance and the crazy time difference between us. But, that's another story.

So of course I told the new guy that just before I met him I was kind of going out with this other dude back home but it's not like we were exclusive or anything serious. And just like any other guy, he wasn't crazy about the idea of me seeing other people. So, when I got back from my trip I came clean to Jerkass and told him that I met someone else. I texted him actually. Cold, I know. And I never heard from him again.

When my so called long distance relationship fell apart I started to think of Jerkass and realized how mean I was to him. So I sent him a text message. It was a quote about waiting patiently for love to come in God's time. My intention was not to get in touch with him again but it was my way of saying sorry because I know I've hurt him. And then he asked if he could see me.

Why couldn't I just leave the poor guy alone? I know very well that I'm not that into him. He's not my type. He's doesn't make me happy the way the other guy did. He doesn't keep me on my toes the way the other guy did. And well.... he's not the one I really want. Nevertheless, we started going out again the second time around. This time it lasted for about a month. I didn't expect that he would still want me after what I did but he was one determined man. He didn't change. He still texts and calls me every hour of every day. We would also talk hours on the phone. On his lunch breaks he would call just to check on me. He even said that I'm the one he wants to marry! And when I told him that I'm not yet ready for something like that, not for another couple of years, he said he would wait. And despite the fact that he knew I was still hung up on the other guy he was willing to fight for me. Whenever I would come to him crying about the other guy he would comfort me and say "Nandito naman ako eh."

Then just when I thought I could possibly have my happy ending something happened that would change everything. His company was going to send him abroad for 3 months to work there. Warning bells started ringing in my head again! Not another long distance relationship! Especially not during the holidays and my birthday. I decided to make a run for it before things go south! I needed to take immediate action to protect myself from getting hurt....again! Although he promised that nothing's gonna change while he's away, I still that had that gnawing feeling in the pit of my stomach that it'll just all fall apart once he gets on that plane to a land far far away with the crazy time difference. He said that he's the type of guy that when he says he will call he really does call no matter how busy or far apart we are. Well I've proven that he does call when he says he will and I've seen how he really makes time for me. And that's the reason why even though I wasn't crazy about him I still keep going out with him. He makes me feel like a princess... that I am loved, adored and cherished. I know he's a safe choice and he's better for me compared to that other guy. But, fear and doubt came over me.

And then I started getting confused! Which one do I choose? The one who is ready for a long-term relationship but doesn't really make me that happy or the one who makes me unbelievably happy but has the maturity level of a 6-year old that at 27 he's not yet ready for a commitment? In the end, I admitted to myself that inspite the fact that I have absolutely no future with the other guy I was still not over him and realizing that, I ended things with Jerkass telling him that I'm not ready for another relationship that soon....again! Thru text....again! And I never heard from him....again!

Four months passed by and I've completely forgotten about Jerkass. It was the end of Februray 2008 when I saw him again. I ran into him at some place. I was the one who texted him first after seeing him that night, out of guilt again of course. And then he asked me out....for the third time! My response was...."Seriously?!" Some people say third time's a charm.... and I thought it would work for us too. Which I would later on find out that it wasn't....at least for the both of us.

So for the third time we started going out again. This time it was different. He came back from his trip a changed man. I started seeing him at a new light. He suddenly became interesting to me. He wasn't the dull and boring guy I met almost a year ago. He can now make me laugh, genuinely laugh. He doesn't send me straight off to sleep anymore whenever I'm around him. He can actually carry a conversation with me and keep me interested. He wasn't the sick puppy who used to follow me around when we first started going out. And that's when I started liking him. But, one thing has never changed.... he still wants to be with me and he's still ready for a serious relationship.

I guess he got tired of chasing me around so he made me chase him. At first, I liked the challenge and I liked the fact that he finally figured out how to get my attention. And although he endlessly teased and annoyed me he was the sweetest guy ever (well probably not ever, but you get my point).

It could've worked... if only he didn't overdo it.

If only he didn't let revenge consume him.

When he found out that I had a boyfriend just a few months after the last time I ditched him that's when he started to pull away. I did tell him that I wasn't ready for another relationship so I think he got the message----that I was never really that into him since day one. And Jerkass was born! He started acting like a jerk. He would blow me off and give me excuses that were obviously lies. Now he didn't have time for anything in his life except his job! He suddenly didn't have time to at least send one text message a day. He would disappear on me several times. I wouldn't hear from him for weeks, even months, and each time he comes back I would give him a another chance. I wanted to prove to him that he has nothing to be scared about because I'm not gonna bail out on him again like what I did to him before. I was so desperately trying to make him realize that I'm doing everything I can to let him know that I want to be with him and this time I'm sure.

But he said that this time he's the one who's uncertain. Apparently he's not ready for a relationship anymore. What a few weeks can do to change a man's mind about something he coud've sworn he was a hundred percent sure! Seems to me like he was just getting back at me for all the times I've hurt him. He was just out for revenge!

And so the 'Old Spaghetti House Fiasco' happened and that was the last straw for me. I couldn't let him treat me like that any further. He was being an ass and yet he had the nerve to justify his actions! We never spoke to each other for months...again! Until I ran into him at the parking lot and that's when he started buzzing into my YM.

Then one December weekend I found this DVD that we have been searching for ever since we started going out for the third time. So imagine my joy and excitement when I finally found what I have been looking for for months! You see, he said that he would buy the original copy of that movie and we would watch it together. Which obvioulsy never happened. He was annoyingly sending me messages in YM which I kept ignoring but when I saw that DVD I let go of my anger and replied to his message when he said... "I finally found the DVD!" I couldn't believe it! Apparently he found it first. He bought it that day I saw him at the parking lot. What a coincidence! And so I thought it was fate bringing us together... again!

But it wasn't.

He asked if we could spend a whole day together just the two of us and we could watch that movie. I told him that I may have forgiven him but I don't trust him anymore. I'm afraid that he would disappoint me yet again. But after a week, he asked me again for the second time. I said yes. I know what you're gonna say! Haven't I learned my lesson by now? My friends say that I should've walked out on him while he was sleeping on our date! I shouldn't even be talking to him! But I can't help it....I had the holiday blues and yes....I miss the jerkass!

But he didn't show up. Didn't even let me know that he can't make it....again! And I said to myself that that was really it! I've had enough! I officially hate him.....again!

However, it seems like fate wasn't done with us just yet. Two days after we were supposed to meet, I ran into him again! Seriously?!!! This time I pretended I didn't know him even though he came up to me and said hi and introduced me to his co-workers. I just looked at him and then left without saying a word. In my anger I sent him "hate" messages and called him names and said nasty things. According to him he never received any reply in his YM saying that I'm confirming. Who doesn't receive YM messages? For me, it was a complete and utter lie!

So just like that we were back to hating each other.

We were back to getting hurt.

Until this day I don't understand why he keeps making plans with me only to bail. I guess he finds joy in torturing me. I don't know how much I've hurt him in the past but I guess he could never forgive me for what I did to him. I still don't understand why we keep running into each other! Para syang bacteria! He's everywhere! But, there's a purpose why these things keep happening to me. There's something to be learned here. Lessons that I need to keep learning over and over and over! Lessons that I have to learn repeatedly until I get it right:

Forgiveness....Letting go....and Moving Forward....

I hope that one day I get past the hurt he has caused me so I can be completely healed....so I can move forward....so that I will be ready when I meet "God's Best".

I will have my happily ever after.

Not with him.

Not now.

But, soon.... =)