Are You Settling For Second Best?

GIRL FRIEND: But he's really hot!

MICHY: He may look good on the outside but you know very well that he's only second best---a consolation prize.

GIRL FRIEND: "Yun lang naman problema sa kanya pero other than that pwede na." (That's the only problem I have with him but other than that I think he'll do for now)

MICHY: Pwede na? You don't deserve a "pwede na guy". You deserve the best, God's best. Don't settle for second best...ever! Have you not learned from my own mistakes after all these years of friendship? Have I not taught you anything?


GIRL FRIEND: But I haven't gone out with anyone ever since I broke up with my ex. It's been 2 years! And you know that something like this never happens to someone like me. May be to you, but not me. Boys don't come up to me and ask for my number.


MICHY: This is totally going in my blog!


That was the conversation between my girlfriend and I last night when she called to recount in excrutiating detail everything that transpired between her and this new guy she met at a bar. In that one-hour phone call about a boy (it was like high school all over again!) I already came up with a whole blog post about dating and single women in their 20's. If you're like my friend or knows someone who has the same dilemma then read on. This is what I told her.

• ONLY SETTLE FOR GOD'S BEST

Do you really like the guy or are you just settling? You probably have this bright idea that since it's taking God such a long time to give you a partner then you'll just date around while waiting. Anyway, it's just temporary...until someone better comes along. At least you have someone. It's better than being single and dateless on a saturday night.

So you think you're only worth that much?

Really?

I know we're not aiming for perfection here because we can never end up with prince charming (Read: the "ideal" guy you made up in your mind ever since you were a little girl that we all know doesn't exist). But at least choose someone you know is perfect for you. Many christians say that they want to marry someone who share the same faith and passion in loving and serving God. If that's the case, then why is there an increasing number of women settling for the opposite? These women either naively believe that eventually their boyfriends will convert or that in this generation faith is not a major issue anymore as long as you love each other. Sadly, I've fallen victim to this kind of thinking in the past. But if you are serious in following Christ then it is a major issue. It's the number one criteria that you should be looking for in a guy. If you want to marry a christian then date only christian men! That seems logical, right?

And I already know about that loving someone means accepting them for exactly who they are crap. But ladies let's be realistic here. If he could possibly be a bi-sexual or has an addiction or is not from the same faith or does not believe in God at all then that should already be a deal-breaker for you. Now, what if it it's just as simple as you're not on the same wave length or not from the same background or deep inside you know that you're not just that really into him but you just like to have a man in your life....any man! Would you still give him the time of day? Not even!

Someone as fabulous as you deserve only God's best---not second best. Don't settle for anything less... ever!

• SET A RADICALLY HIGHER STANDARD

And stick to it! Don't think of lowering your standards just because people are saying you're too picky or all your friends are getting married one by one and you don't even have a boyfriend. You may be reaching your late 20's and you can hear your biological clock ticking ever so loudly each day but that doesn't mean you'll compromise your standards and date or even worse marry just anyone. As I would joke with my friends "Kahit sino pwede na!" (Any guy would do)

Quoting from the book "When God Writes Your Love Story" by Eric & Leslie Ludy, "Too many women become desperate. They are hungry for attention and affection, so they settle for guys who don't know the first thing about how to treat a woman. They are impatient--they don't trust that God could have something better for them. So they compromise. They give themselves to men who really aren't even worth a second glance."

If a guy is making your standards sink to dangerously low levels then you better dump that douche bag! If he clearly does not have the Christlike qualities that us Christian women should be aiming for then why bother? God has someone way better for us than those jerks!

Ladies, let's hold out for the man God has prepared for us. As Christians, that's the radically higher standard we should be upholding... even if our culture is telling us otherwise.

• DON'T SELL YOURSELF SHORT

He would call or text from time to time. He kept inviting me to go out but he never really made any real plans. When he does make time for me he would be there but in between that there would be times when I don't even know if he's still alive or in Tagalog minsan ilang araw or linggo siyang hindi magpaparamdam.

A guy like that is definitely keeping it casual. He's still trying to weigh his feelings for you. Do I really like this girl or that other chick I met at the party? I'm not sure if she's the one, I mean it could be someone else. So until he figures that out, he'll keep you around, not too close though. Which explains the hot and cold treatment he's giving you. He's still playing the dating game at his age? Seriously?

If a guy still thinks this way in his mid to late 20's then he still has a lot of growing up to do... a lot! There's no point in waiting around for a guy like that because by the time he figures out what he really wants you'd probably be old and wrinkly! He's still enjoying his eligible bachelor days and isn't looking for anything serious.

If he's really into you he will chase you. A man will do everything and anything to get the heart and affection of the woman he desires. It's in their nature. If he's lukewarm and mediocre in his attempts then that means you're only an option to him. You know... in case he gets tired of looking for the perfect girl then at least he has you as a fallback. Or you could be the girl "for the mean time" and when he finds "the one" he'll dump you so fast and say "You're awesome! But I don't think this is gonna work. I'm just sooo busy right now."

If he's not chasing you then it's time to move on to better ground. Cut your losses sister! Don't allow these sleaze balls who think they're God's gift to women to treat you like a beggar by giving you scraps of their time and affection. Why stay in a dating limbo when, in the words of a guy friend who once told me, "You're too good to hold on to someone not worthy of a goddess."

• STOP MAKING EXCUSES

You may say: "But I haven't been out on a date since my last boyfriend. It's been 2 years! And you know that I'm not the type of girl who goes out on dates. This is the first time I'm going to do something like this. I think I deserve to have a little fun and enjoy my singleness!"

or

You may say: "But I'm not thinking of marrying the guy! I'm only going out with him on this one date! If it goes well then I'll see what'll happen next but if it doesn't then I've got nothing to lose. There's no harm in trying."

There's no harm in trying doesn't apply when "the rest of your life, for better or for worse, til death do us part" is at stake here. You may think that testing the waters by going out with different guys is the best way to find "The One". And besides it's nothing serious, right? You're just having fun, no biggie! But there's a catch! There's always a catch. When you try and make a mistake, yes you can dust it off and stand up. What you're not aware of is that each time you give your time and affection to an undeserving guy you're only robbing the only man who's meant to receive such a precious treasure---you're future husband. The decisions you make now determine who and where you will be in the future. Those innocent dates may seem harmless now but they could have serious repercussions in the future.

As I said in my previous blog, only one of your love stories will have a happy ending and the rest just end up in a whole lot of hurt. The wounds from bad dates and failed relationships will leave you broken and scarred. You might be afraid to love and let someone in your life again that every time you make an attempt you just fall flat on your ass. You may heal from it by God's grace but the damage has already been done. Those painful memories are already part of who you are.

I'm not complaining because I wouldn't have learned valuable life lessons if I haven't gone thru the ins and outs, ups and downs of relationships. But because I was so stubborn, I learned things the hard way when there's always a choice. I could've chosen to learn things the easier way, less battle wounds.

Girlfriend, coming from someone who's been there, done that I'm trying to spare you the heart/headache. You have a choice here.

You can either learn it the hard and painful way or...

Wait patiently and confidently that God will bring you the man you've always been longing for in His perfect time.