When The Phone Rings

One hot summer afternoon my sister and I started arguing. As sisters we have a knack for turning a petty argument into a war zone. It was as simple as who will answer the phone.

Ate: "Get the phone."

Michy: "You're nearer, you answer it."

Ate: "I don't want to answer it because I don't want people to know I'm here."

Michy: "Well, I'm not getting it."

Ate: "I'm not getting it either."

This went on and no one seemed to want to give in until I stood up to answer the phone... then it stopped ringing. A few hours later, the phone started to ring again. This time I didn't say a word and just answered it. It was my mom.

Mom: "I was surprised to see Bruno online." (Bruno is one of my exes. Of course that's not his real name)

Michy: "You're chatting with him right now?"

Mom: "Not anymore. We just finished chatting."

Michy: "Maaaaa! Why didn't you call me while you were chatting with him? I would've gone online. I want to talk to him too."

Mom: "I was calling you but no one was answering the phone. I thought you guys weren't home."

Michy: "Oh. So that was you who was calling..."

My mom told me in detail exactly how their conversation went. I kept saying that I wished I could've gone online if only she told me she was chatting with him while my mom kept pointing out that no one was answering the phone.

As soon as I put down the phone, I felt tears rolling down my cheeks. I don't know why but I felt really sad after hearing about him again. I haven't heard from him in almost a year now. Months after we broke up I tried to keep in touch but he made it clear that he doesn't want to, at least for now but may be in the future daw (at kailan pa kaya yun? pag over na 'ko sa kanya? pag huli na ang lahat?). He kept saying that we're still friends and it's not like he's never gonna talk to me ever but what he's doing now is quite the opposite. I sat crying on the floor opposite my sister.

Michy: "Why am I crying? I shouldn't be crying anymore! It's been almost two years now!"

Ate: "Ewan ko sa'yo. Bakit ka nga ba umiiyak?"

Michy: "Because I so desperately want to talk to him. It's not like I want us to get back together but he could at least be friends with me and still talk to me!"

Ate: "Ganun talaga. For some people it's better not to stay friends with their ex."

Michy: "Funny how I don't understand why Bruno can't be friends with me when I find Pipoy (a more recent ex, of course I didn't use his real name as well) really stupid for not understanding why I don't want to be friends with him."

In the article Can You Still Be Friends With Your Ex? I wrote two months ago, I talked about how there are some exes you can be friends with and some that you just really can't. I mostly talked about the jerks I dated in the past and how they're the type of exes I just really can't be friends with. This one particular recent ex, Pipoy, kept bugging me to remain friends with him. I think he's really annoying and stupid for not getting the fact that I never want to hear from him ever again because... well, he's a douche.

I guess I can't blame Bruno for not wanting to keep in touch. I did break his heart by giving up too quickly. As much as I have my reasons for not being friends with Pipoy, I'm sure Bruno also has his own reasons for not wanting to communicate with me even only as friends. (Kung ano man yung dahilan nya eh bwiset sya! Friends lang naman ayaw pa nya! Buti pa nanay ko kinakausap nya at minsan pa nga nag-eemail sya tapos ako ayaw nya kausapin! Ang arte nya ha! Bitter-bitteran nanaman ako... Wahahaha!)

What made me really cry was when I heard that he said, "I still think about you guys." Even though he didn't say "I still think about your daughter, Michy" (pero syempre hoping ako na sana nga yun ang ibig sabihin nya..hehe) at least I'm one of those people he still thinks about. At least he still thinks about me, period.

I still think about him too.

Constantly.

Until now.

Even after I've dated a few guys after him.

None of those relationships ever worked out because deep inside I knew that I was only on the rebound trying to move on (meaning move on to other guys). At the end of the day I just realized even more that I'd rather be with the one I really want instead of settling for a consolation prize.

It's been almost two years now. I really wanted to believe I was genuinely completely over him. I literally deleted and burried everything about him. I've given up all hope that we can ever be together. I've actually already accepted the fact a long time ago that we're just not meant for each other. It seemed to me that I'm over him. But I guess I'm not. I wouldn't be crying if I am. I may seem pathetic but that's the truth. It's a truth I've been battling to escape and deny. I still miss him and I miss him even more each day that I'm far away from him.

Michy: "You know Ate, mama could've told him something like, 'Michy is also online, would you like to chat with her too?'"

Ate: "Eh pano kung ayaw ka naman niya pala makausap, anong gagawin mo?"

When my tears have dried, I then realized that there's a reason why my sister and I were too lazy to pick up the phone that day. It may be God's way of sparing me even more pain because if I would've gone online there's a big chance that he would probably go offline the minute he finds out I wanted to chat with him. Or may be it's not yet time for us to start talking again. It's better this way...sila na nga lang ng nanay ko ang mag-usap!

I honestly thought that I've happily moved on. That I could care less if I hear news about him again.

But I guess I never really got over him.... I just learned to live with it.

Roll Credits

It was just one of those ordinary days where you don't expect anything monumental to happen.

And then I saw him.

I saw him walking down the street.

I sat frozen in my car clutching the steering wheel til my knuckles turned white. The radio was blaring but all I could hear was the sound of my pounding heart. I couldn't move. "What am I supposed to do?" I thought frantically.

BEEEEEEPPPP!!!

I was brought back to reality when the car behind me started honking. I didn't notice that the light already turned green. I hastily put the car in first gear. I kept going without really thinking where I'm heading. Before I knew it, I was driving for hours. My mind was still on that face I haven't seen in two years... on that face I didn't realize til that moment that I've been missing all this time.

"I think my feelings for Derek are resurfacing," I admitted to my BFF's when we met up for coffee later that night.

"Stacy, why am I not surprised? Your feelings were burried in a very shallow grave," Nikki said matter-of-factly.

My two bestfriends are those people who keep me sane and I definitely need them at a time like this. I've known Nikki and Carla since we were teeny boppers going gaga over JTT (Jonathan Taylor Thomas), Jonathan Brandis and the Backstreet Boys, among others. Nikki is a tall, curvy, chinita, t-shirt and jeans type of girl who tells me to do whatever makes me happy. Carla has beautiful almond shaped brown eyes, petite, a fashionista at heart who always pulls me back to reality.

"I saw him this morning and it was the longest 20 seconds of my life. I didn't expect my supposedly burried feelings to resurface this easily just because I saw him that one time for a split second." I recounted the events that transpired earlier that day.

I tried to push my feelings for Derek to the remotest darkest deepest part of my heart and mind but I guess I've been pretending the whole time. After we broke up, I dated a couple of guys but none of it ever came close to what Derek and I had. One day I was asked why I stoppped dating this dude who seemed to be really into me. "He's not Derek," was the only answer I could give.

"You say you're completely over him, but the truth is you're not. Because if you are, you wouldn't be freaking out like that," Nikki said.

"I'm not freaking out. Okay, may be a little. No! I'm so not freaking out!" I said defensively.

"You called a de-stressing night session in the middle of the week at (looks at her watch) midnight! It's not like we're here to talk about how you bought that fabulous dress at a bargain price," Carla pointed out. "Where did you buy that anyway? You're totally pulling off that dress!"

"I know, right?" I beamed at her.

"Okay! Guys, focus! Please!" Nikki exclaimed.

"I am freaking out, aren't I? I am so totally freaking out!" I cried bumping my forehead repeatedly on the table.

"So what did you do when you saw him? Did you talk to him?" they asked.

"I drove away," I replied. "I panicked and drove off. I didn't expect to see him there. He's supposed to be in some European country God knows where. I thought I was seeing things, he could be a ghost or just a figment of my imagination for all I know! But then I realized that it was really him. I just don't know if he's only here visiting or if he's back for good."

"You think I should try to contact him?" I asked my friends. They gave me a we've-had-this-conversation-a-million-times look. "Stacy, if he wanted to let you know that he's here then he would've called you. But he hasn't. So what does that tell you?" Carla said.

"Men have come and gone since we broke up. I may have seemed like I've moved on. But seeing him again today made me realize that those feelings were never gone. I never got over him," I sadly admitted as tears rolled down my eyes.

"I'm pathetic," I cried.

"Sadly, my dear friend, you are," Nikki said patting my shoulder. All three of us burst out laughing.

"At least we all know how your story with Derek is gonna end," Carla started. "He comes back. You fall madly in love all over again. Then love kicks you in the ass. Roll credits."

As I was driving home I keep seeing flashbacks of the time when I was the happiest, the time I spent with Derek. I could still hear his weird embarassing laugh while he chases me running around like kids. I could still feel his warm strong arms around me whenever I would feel cold or scared. I could still see his adorably goofy smile while he's trying to cheer me up. I could still feel his hand in mine as we pray together. I could still taste his lips on mine when he said goodbye.

If I only knew that that was the last time I was going to see him, the last time I get to kiss him then I wouldn't have let go. Whenever I think of Derek I only remember the most amazing moments we've shared. Normally, I would've been very angry and bitter when things didn't work out between us and he disappeared without a trace.

But not with Derek. He's not like the other guys I've dated. He was different. He finds what normally would be a turn off to other guys actually adorable about me. Apart from my family and bestfriends, he's the only man who gets me. With Derek, everything was easy and comfortable. We make each other happy. Intoxicatingly overwhelmingly awesomely happy. But our similarity ends there. We want different things.

I woke up that morning thinking that nothing monumental is ever going to happen on this ordinary day. But it wasn't just any other day. It was two years ago all over again when I was crying about the most stupid mistake I ever made--- when I had the chance to be loved but chose to run the other way...

I was about to crawl into bed, curl up in a ball and cry myself to sleep when I heard my phone beep.

"Hey Stacy! I saw you drive by in your car this morning. I'm here in town. Can we meet up? --- Derek"

An Incredible Feat

"There were moments when my dad wasn't the easiest person to love. My mom could've chosen to give up but she loved him anyway. I wish I had my mother's strength and courage to choose to love someone when walking away seems to be a more convenient option ..."


I was watching TV while my mom was sleeping beside me. As I got off her bed to go to my own room, she suddenly called me...

"Papa"

No, she wasn't dreaming. She thought she was sleeping beside her husband---not the new one but the one who passed away seven years ago.

Ever since my dad died from a tragic accident I would often hear my mom calling out to him whenever something wakes her up in the middle of the night. I've always asked her why she calls out to my dad but she just says "Did I really say 'papa'?" Apparently she's not aware that she does that a lot.

A tear rolled down my cheek. She still misses him until now, even though she has found someone new. When my dad was still alive, I've always known that my mom loved him unconditonally. But seven years after his death nothing has changed. He wasn't the perfect husband. He wasn't the perfect father either. And when he had those moments where he wasn't the easiest person to love, she loved him anyway. Choosing to love someone when walking away seems to be a more convenient option is an incredible feat.

I ran to my room crying and calling out to my dad too. (Tears are still fogging up my eyes while I'm writing this entry)

I don't think she will ever get over him... he will always be the love of her life.

I miss my dad too...

And I miss that someone I've loved and lost. The sad part is he doesn't even know... and he never will. Because I was too scared to admit to myself much more tell him how I truly feel, I chose the more convenient option: I walked away.

I know I've been saying that I'm loving and enjoying this season of singleness. But I could really use someone's warm reassuring hand to hold mine right about now...