Are You Settling For Second Best?

GIRL FRIEND: But he's really hot!

MICHY: He may look good on the outside but you know very well that he's only second best---a consolation prize.

GIRL FRIEND: "Yun lang naman problema sa kanya pero other than that pwede na." (That's the only problem I have with him but other than that I think he'll do for now)

MICHY: Pwede na? You don't deserve a "pwede na guy". You deserve the best, God's best. Don't settle for second best...ever! Have you not learned from my own mistakes after all these years of friendship? Have I not taught you anything?


GIRL FRIEND: But I haven't gone out with anyone ever since I broke up with my ex. It's been 2 years! And you know that something like this never happens to someone like me. May be to you, but not me. Boys don't come up to me and ask for my number.


MICHY: This is totally going in my blog!


That was the conversation between my girlfriend and I last night when she called to recount in excrutiating detail everything that transpired between her and this new guy she met at a bar. In that one-hour phone call about a boy (it was like high school all over again!) I already came up with a whole blog post about dating and single women in their 20's. If you're like my friend or knows someone who has the same dilemma then read on. This is what I told her.

• ONLY SETTLE FOR GOD'S BEST

Do you really like the guy or are you just settling? You probably have this bright idea that since it's taking God such a long time to give you a partner then you'll just date around while waiting. Anyway, it's just temporary...until someone better comes along. At least you have someone. It's better than being single and dateless on a saturday night.

So you think you're only worth that much?

Really?

I know we're not aiming for perfection here because we can never end up with prince charming (Read: the "ideal" guy you made up in your mind ever since you were a little girl that we all know doesn't exist). But at least choose someone you know is perfect for you. Many christians say that they want to marry someone who share the same faith and passion in loving and serving God. If that's the case, then why is there an increasing number of women settling for the opposite? These women either naively believe that eventually their boyfriends will convert or that in this generation faith is not a major issue anymore as long as you love each other. Sadly, I've fallen victim to this kind of thinking in the past. But if you are serious in following Christ then it is a major issue. It's the number one criteria that you should be looking for in a guy. If you want to marry a christian then date only christian men! That seems logical, right?

And I already know about that loving someone means accepting them for exactly who they are crap. But ladies let's be realistic here. If he could possibly be a bi-sexual or has an addiction or is not from the same faith or does not believe in God at all then that should already be a deal-breaker for you. Now, what if it it's just as simple as you're not on the same wave length or not from the same background or deep inside you know that you're not just that really into him but you just like to have a man in your life....any man! Would you still give him the time of day? Not even!

Someone as fabulous as you deserve only God's best---not second best. Don't settle for anything less... ever!

• SET A RADICALLY HIGHER STANDARD

And stick to it! Don't think of lowering your standards just because people are saying you're too picky or all your friends are getting married one by one and you don't even have a boyfriend. You may be reaching your late 20's and you can hear your biological clock ticking ever so loudly each day but that doesn't mean you'll compromise your standards and date or even worse marry just anyone. As I would joke with my friends "Kahit sino pwede na!" (Any guy would do)

Quoting from the book "When God Writes Your Love Story" by Eric & Leslie Ludy, "Too many women become desperate. They are hungry for attention and affection, so they settle for guys who don't know the first thing about how to treat a woman. They are impatient--they don't trust that God could have something better for them. So they compromise. They give themselves to men who really aren't even worth a second glance."

If a guy is making your standards sink to dangerously low levels then you better dump that douche bag! If he clearly does not have the Christlike qualities that us Christian women should be aiming for then why bother? God has someone way better for us than those jerks!

Ladies, let's hold out for the man God has prepared for us. As Christians, that's the radically higher standard we should be upholding... even if our culture is telling us otherwise.

• DON'T SELL YOURSELF SHORT

He would call or text from time to time. He kept inviting me to go out but he never really made any real plans. When he does make time for me he would be there but in between that there would be times when I don't even know if he's still alive or in Tagalog minsan ilang araw or linggo siyang hindi magpaparamdam.

A guy like that is definitely keeping it casual. He's still trying to weigh his feelings for you. Do I really like this girl or that other chick I met at the party? I'm not sure if she's the one, I mean it could be someone else. So until he figures that out, he'll keep you around, not too close though. Which explains the hot and cold treatment he's giving you. He's still playing the dating game at his age? Seriously?

If a guy still thinks this way in his mid to late 20's then he still has a lot of growing up to do... a lot! There's no point in waiting around for a guy like that because by the time he figures out what he really wants you'd probably be old and wrinkly! He's still enjoying his eligible bachelor days and isn't looking for anything serious.

If he's really into you he will chase you. A man will do everything and anything to get the heart and affection of the woman he desires. It's in their nature. If he's lukewarm and mediocre in his attempts then that means you're only an option to him. You know... in case he gets tired of looking for the perfect girl then at least he has you as a fallback. Or you could be the girl "for the mean time" and when he finds "the one" he'll dump you so fast and say "You're awesome! But I don't think this is gonna work. I'm just sooo busy right now."

If he's not chasing you then it's time to move on to better ground. Cut your losses sister! Don't allow these sleaze balls who think they're God's gift to women to treat you like a beggar by giving you scraps of their time and affection. Why stay in a dating limbo when, in the words of a guy friend who once told me, "You're too good to hold on to someone not worthy of a goddess."

• STOP MAKING EXCUSES

You may say: "But I haven't been out on a date since my last boyfriend. It's been 2 years! And you know that I'm not the type of girl who goes out on dates. This is the first time I'm going to do something like this. I think I deserve to have a little fun and enjoy my singleness!"

or

You may say: "But I'm not thinking of marrying the guy! I'm only going out with him on this one date! If it goes well then I'll see what'll happen next but if it doesn't then I've got nothing to lose. There's no harm in trying."

There's no harm in trying doesn't apply when "the rest of your life, for better or for worse, til death do us part" is at stake here. You may think that testing the waters by going out with different guys is the best way to find "The One". And besides it's nothing serious, right? You're just having fun, no biggie! But there's a catch! There's always a catch. When you try and make a mistake, yes you can dust it off and stand up. What you're not aware of is that each time you give your time and affection to an undeserving guy you're only robbing the only man who's meant to receive such a precious treasure---you're future husband. The decisions you make now determine who and where you will be in the future. Those innocent dates may seem harmless now but they could have serious repercussions in the future.

As I said in my previous blog, only one of your love stories will have a happy ending and the rest just end up in a whole lot of hurt. The wounds from bad dates and failed relationships will leave you broken and scarred. You might be afraid to love and let someone in your life again that every time you make an attempt you just fall flat on your ass. You may heal from it by God's grace but the damage has already been done. Those painful memories are already part of who you are.

I'm not complaining because I wouldn't have learned valuable life lessons if I haven't gone thru the ins and outs, ups and downs of relationships. But because I was so stubborn, I learned things the hard way when there's always a choice. I could've chosen to learn things the easier way, less battle wounds.

Girlfriend, coming from someone who's been there, done that I'm trying to spare you the heart/headache. You have a choice here.

You can either learn it the hard and painful way or...

Wait patiently and confidently that God will bring you the man you've always been longing for in His perfect time.

Why Am I Doing This Anyway?

"I think it's really brave of you to share your honest and vulnerable thoughts on romantic relationships. I found myself nodding as I read though it. I was encouraged even more to wait and trust God in that department. :)"

---Era

After reading my blog, one of my friends left this message in my Facebook. Actually I haven't seen her in a long time. We used to go to the same church when we were younger and has lost touch ever since we moved to a different church a couple of years ago. It was a surpirse to hear from her talking about my blog. I didn't expect that she would find encouragement in my ramblings. Well, Era you have encouraged me more! Thank you!

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"Hi mich...i really like your blog...i agree 100% with everything you wrote there. mali nga si sushmita sen sa sagot nya sa what is the essence of a woman eh...being a mother daw. it's being a mother, a wife, a daughter, a sister, a friend, minsan all of these...minsan some of these...kaya dapat si ms. colombia ang nanalo eh. love you mich!"

---Kristina

This is a message from an old friend who's been married for almost a decade now and has three beautiful daughters. I thought that only singles can relate to my articles but apparently even married people. She even referred my blog to her friends! Thank you manang Bindy!

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"Excellent blog.. reminds me of how my parents (and grandparents) nag me about the same thing.. either that or how they compare my salary or what i own (house, car, businesses, etc) to other sons and daughters.. i think it is just a general asian parent thing though.. i hope i don't end up like that hahah."

--- Andy

I didn't expect the first person to ever comment (and read) about my blog would be a dude! I thought my first article would only appeal to single women. I didn't think there are guys out there who's going thru the same thing... What a real eye-opener!

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I was 22 when I experienced my first heartbreak. It was such an excrutiatingly painful experience that I thought I was gonna die. But, obviously I'm still alive now which means I was able to get over it and move on with my life. During those times that I was so broken I just wanted to stay in bed the whole day crying over a boy. When I was still wallowing in my pain and misery, I couldn't grasp the reason why it was happening to me. But through God's mercy I slowly understood that there is a wonderful purpose behind my painful circumstance. And so I decided to write a book about everything I went through. I wanted to share my experience so I can help those who are going thru the same thing. I was only able to come up with a good title. That was it.

I thought the wounds from that disastrous relationship were already healed and that was the end of it. Unfortunately, it was only the beginning...

The beginning of a string of wrong and ungodly relationships. And so, I jumped from one guy to another all the while thinking that I wouldn't get hurt so long as I won't fall in love with any of them. What was I thinking?! I knew I was setting myself up for disaster but I went ahead anyway! I failed miserably each time. It resulted to irreversible mistakes and even deeper wounds.

But the Lord has a way of using our deepest hurts and darkest pasts for His glory...

I couldn't write a book five years ago because I wasn't ready yet. There's still a lot that I needed to learn and experience. I know I still couldn't write a book now, may be someday. I know that the blogging craze started years ago but I only caught up on it late last year when I started reading Kuya Kevin's blog on relationships. Getting inspiration from him, I started my own blog as an outlet where I can put my thoughts and feelings about relationships.

So why am I writing about the story of my life for the whole world to read? Because now, even my awful experiences can be put to good use. I didn't expect that anyone would pay attention to what I have to say, much more agree with me and find encouragement. It amazes me how this simple tool can reach out to other people. It is my prayer that I continue to encourage and touch other people's lives through my articles.

To the single ladies (and men) out there, even the married ones, if you would like to share your experiences or views on love and relationships feel free to contact me. I'm looking forward to sharing this journey of singlehood with you.

Can You Still Be Friends With An Ex?

One of my recent exes kept resurfacing. For months he's been bugging me to go out with him "as friends" but I would turn him down each time he makes an attempt. Until finally one day I told him off. He just couldn't take a hint. There's a reason why I walked out on him---I want him out of my life...permanently! When I told him that I'm already seeing someone else that's when he promised to never bother me ever again. Which of course only lasted a month or two because he did a huge favor for our family. He didn't ask for any payment...but he did ask that I go out with him. I had no choice. I had to go out with him. However, I told him that it's not going to happen again. It was just that one time, as a thank you. He couldn't understand why we can't be friends in spite the fact that I've explained it to him over and over.

"I know it was all my fault. I made a huge mistake and I'm sorry. I've already asked God for forgiveness for what I did to you, why can't you forgive me? I've done everything, I did this huge favor for your family. What else can I do for you to forgive me?", he asked.

And I replied, "It's not that I haven't forgiven you, because I have. But, you've led me to believe that you're ready for a relationship only to tell me that you're not just because we were starting to encounter problems. You've let me down and proven that you're not man enough, not strong enough. You want the benefits of being in a relationship yet you're not willing to make the necessary sacrifices to make it work. I just couldn't find it in my heart to trust you again....ever! Not even as a friend".

After that conversation I'm assuming that he got the message because I never heard from him again. However, I'm still friends with my first ex. I'm still friends with his mom and see her occasionally. Even my mom is still friends with his mom. There's an ex that you can be friends with.... and there are some that you just can't. I guess it depends on what kind of relationship you've had or how deep your love was for each other or how you both ended the relationship. So the question is...

Can you still be friends with your ex?

#1: Not if he's a major douche bag.

There's a number of reasons why you two broke up and if one of them was because he's a real jerk then that's reason enough why you shouldn't stay friends with someone who treats people so badly especially the one person he claims to love. He's in love all right! With just one person... himself!

#2: Not if he's dragging you down.

I'm too busy with work.
I have father issues.
I'm still looking for "myself" (probably lost his balls too).
I have problems at home.
I'm not ready for a serious commitment.
My previous girlfriend cheated on me.
I'm too afraid to get hurt again.

"Ang daming excess baggage!" If your ex has a long list of crappy excuses why he couldn't be with you but is still hanging around (e.g. still calling/texting, asking you to go out "as friends") you better get rid of him! Or else he'll just drag you down with him to his endless pit of unresolved issues that you could trace back all the way to his childhood which up until now he hasn't dealt with. You don't need someone like that in your life if you want to move forward. He will just hold you back. And don't try to be the hero and foolishly believe you can save him. You're not God! It's something he needs to deal with himself and with God.

#3: Not if he's acting like he's still your boyfriend.

Unless of course you still want him to be and you're settling for this kind of pseudo-relationship just because you can't bear to lose him. "Parang kayo pero hindi talaga kayo". This is the part where your relationship is in a limbo. It's not clear yet where it's heading but because you can't completely let go, you hang on to it for dear life...even if it means you're hanging by a thread. How can you totally move on if you're still doing things you used to do when you were a couple? You tell yourself that "it's better this way at least I haven't completely lost him". But honey, you're only cheating yourself and prolonging the agony. If he's acting like he's still your boyfriend why can't he give you the real thing?

#4: Not if you ended on a bad note.

Ex: "I don't understand! Why can't we be friends?"

You: "Uhmm.... We did not end on a good note?! Helloooo!"

It all depends on how you ended things. If it was all violent and bloody with exchanges of nasty and hurtful words at times bordering on verbal and/or physical abuse then that's obviously ending things on a bad note...majorly bad! Although it could be as cold as sending a text message that goes a little something like this:

"It's over [your ex's name].... It's soooo over!"

And he replies with:

"I'm sorry [your name] I'm not ready for a relationship".

And he's telling you this now?! Then you never hear from him again.
After 48 years (where he hid under a rock or started dating someone new the day after you broke up) he comes back and realizes that he was a coward for not ending things properly and talking to you face to face. Seriously?!

Guys, if you know for a fact that you're not ready for a relationship then quit going out with girls! This isn't a game where you can just "have fun" and never be responsible for anything. What could start as something innocent and casual could lead to something deeper where emotions develop into genuine feelings. And then when you can't take the heat anymore you drop the relationship like a hot potato! Don't start a fire where you know someone will get burned. It's just plain mean and selfish. You're no different from a 5-year old boy who when he has destroyed a toy discards it thoughtlessly and moves on to the next brand spankin' new toy.

And yet these boys call themselves men? When in reality, most of them have the emotional maturity of a horny 15-year old boy.


#5: Not if you've lost that "blind trust".

Blind trust is where you put your complete, unshaken, untainted trust on someone who hasn't done anything to lose that trust...yet. But once lost, you can never trust that person the way you used to. In the back of your mind you know that there's always that chance where he would let you down... again and again and again. If as a boyfriend he couldn't be trusted, what more as a friend? It's difficult to stay friends with an ex whom you know you can't count on.

If he will do everything to prove himself worthy of your trust then you can reconsider but if he hasn't then you're better off without him.... even as a friend. You don't want an "occasional friend" who's only there from time to time. You don't want someone who will only be there for you when it's convenient for him. You don't want someone who will turn his back on you the moment things get tough. You want someone who will stay loyal, who will stick with you through good times and bad...that's what a real friend should be like. Loving someone entails a certain amount of sacrifice and it doesn't apply only to romantic relationships, even in friendships. If he's not willing to sacrifice in a commited relationship how can he sacrifice for someone who's just his friend?

If you stay genuinely "just friends" with an ex then that's awesome. But if you can't, whatever you do you just really can't, sometimes it doesn't mean that you're being bitter or is still not over the person. It could mean that it's just the way it is. He can no longer be a part of your life in any way or form.

He's that someone you have to delete from your friends list....

to make room for someone new.

No Happily Ever After

When you're single all you're really looking for is a happy ending.... Unfortunately the sad reality of life is this: Of all the times you've fallen in love only one of your stories can end that way. The inevitable happens where the rest end with someone getting hurt. No happily ever after... just a whole lot of hurt.

So let me tell you the story of that "Jerkass" (yup that's what I call him now: jerk + ass) I've been ranting about in my previous blogs---'Return of the Ex-Men' and 'Why Are Men Such Jerks?'. The one who fell asleep while we were on a date (he calls it "The Old Spaghetti House Fiasco"), who constantly goes MIA on me whilst giving lame-ass excuses for his sudden disappearances......... and who was close to being the "One".

You see he wasn't always a jerk to me. At least not when I first met him.

In 2007, he was introduced to me by one of my bestfriends. I never liked being set up with someone because... well, it's just plain awkward! There's nothing natural about it. I feel like the whole thing is scripted. But my friend made a good case about why I should go out with this guy so I finally agreed.

When I first met him I thought to myself that he's just okay. Physically, he's not my type but he's not that bad either. I didn't expect that there was going to be a second date because I didn't feel that we had a connection. Much to my surprise, he asked if we can go out again the next day! And it wasn't just an ordinary date. It was his birthday! And he invited me over to his house where I would meet his family and friends! On the second date? Awkward much?! Way to scare off a girl! Naturally, I said no. But I'm not an ice queen you know! Since it was his birthday I just offered to see him the day after. And then we went out again the day after that and the day after that. When we're not together he would text me every hour the whole day and even when he's at work he would call me every chance he gets. When I noticed that we're spending way too much time I told him that we need to at least not see each other for a few days.

And he replied "Kung pwede nga lang araw-araw kita kasama." (If it's only possible to see you everyday I would do that.)

Warning bells started ringing in my head! I thought to myself "Uh-oh! He's showing signs that he's gonna be a clingy boyfriend!" Now, I am someone who spells love as T-I-M-E. I value quality time a lot! When I am in a serious relationship there's nothing more I love than spending each waking day with the one I love. Normally, that would be one of the sweetest things a guy could ever tell me but not someone I've only been going out with for barely a week! In my opinion, he said it too prematurely! And that definitely scared me off. I started considering to slowly run away from him. Luckily for me I was scheduled to go on an out-of-town trip for 8 days!

And on that trip I met someone else.

Now this other guy swept me off my feet! There was an instant connection between us! We were inseparable the moment we met! And when he asked me if we can be exclusive just after a week of dating he didn't scare me at all and I blindingly said yes. When he left and went back to his country we tried to make our long distance relationship work but sadly it was short-lived. We couldn't survive the distance and the crazy time difference between us. But, that's another story.

So of course I told the new guy that just before I met him I was kind of going out with this other dude back home but it's not like we were exclusive or anything serious. And just like any other guy, he wasn't crazy about the idea of me seeing other people. So, when I got back from my trip I came clean to Jerkass and told him that I met someone else. I texted him actually. Cold, I know. And I never heard from him again.

When my so called long distance relationship fell apart I started to think of Jerkass and realized how mean I was to him. So I sent him a text message. It was a quote about waiting patiently for love to come in God's time. My intention was not to get in touch with him again but it was my way of saying sorry because I know I've hurt him. And then he asked if he could see me.

Why couldn't I just leave the poor guy alone? I know very well that I'm not that into him. He's not my type. He's doesn't make me happy the way the other guy did. He doesn't keep me on my toes the way the other guy did. And well.... he's not the one I really want. Nevertheless, we started going out again the second time around. This time it lasted for about a month. I didn't expect that he would still want me after what I did but he was one determined man. He didn't change. He still texts and calls me every hour of every day. We would also talk hours on the phone. On his lunch breaks he would call just to check on me. He even said that I'm the one he wants to marry! And when I told him that I'm not yet ready for something like that, not for another couple of years, he said he would wait. And despite the fact that he knew I was still hung up on the other guy he was willing to fight for me. Whenever I would come to him crying about the other guy he would comfort me and say "Nandito naman ako eh."

Then just when I thought I could possibly have my happy ending something happened that would change everything. His company was going to send him abroad for 3 months to work there. Warning bells started ringing in my head again! Not another long distance relationship! Especially not during the holidays and my birthday. I decided to make a run for it before things go south! I needed to take immediate action to protect myself from getting hurt....again! Although he promised that nothing's gonna change while he's away, I still that had that gnawing feeling in the pit of my stomach that it'll just all fall apart once he gets on that plane to a land far far away with the crazy time difference. He said that he's the type of guy that when he says he will call he really does call no matter how busy or far apart we are. Well I've proven that he does call when he says he will and I've seen how he really makes time for me. And that's the reason why even though I wasn't crazy about him I still keep going out with him. He makes me feel like a princess... that I am loved, adored and cherished. I know he's a safe choice and he's better for me compared to that other guy. But, fear and doubt came over me.

And then I started getting confused! Which one do I choose? The one who is ready for a long-term relationship but doesn't really make me that happy or the one who makes me unbelievably happy but has the maturity level of a 6-year old that at 27 he's not yet ready for a commitment? In the end, I admitted to myself that inspite the fact that I have absolutely no future with the other guy I was still not over him and realizing that, I ended things with Jerkass telling him that I'm not ready for another relationship that soon....again! Thru text....again! And I never heard from him....again!

Four months passed by and I've completely forgotten about Jerkass. It was the end of Februray 2008 when I saw him again. I ran into him at some place. I was the one who texted him first after seeing him that night, out of guilt again of course. And then he asked me out....for the third time! My response was...."Seriously?!" Some people say third time's a charm.... and I thought it would work for us too. Which I would later on find out that it wasn't....at least for the both of us.

So for the third time we started going out again. This time it was different. He came back from his trip a changed man. I started seeing him at a new light. He suddenly became interesting to me. He wasn't the dull and boring guy I met almost a year ago. He can now make me laugh, genuinely laugh. He doesn't send me straight off to sleep anymore whenever I'm around him. He can actually carry a conversation with me and keep me interested. He wasn't the sick puppy who used to follow me around when we first started going out. And that's when I started liking him. But, one thing has never changed.... he still wants to be with me and he's still ready for a serious relationship.

I guess he got tired of chasing me around so he made me chase him. At first, I liked the challenge and I liked the fact that he finally figured out how to get my attention. And although he endlessly teased and annoyed me he was the sweetest guy ever (well probably not ever, but you get my point).

It could've worked... if only he didn't overdo it.

If only he didn't let revenge consume him.

When he found out that I had a boyfriend just a few months after the last time I ditched him that's when he started to pull away. I did tell him that I wasn't ready for another relationship so I think he got the message----that I was never really that into him since day one. And Jerkass was born! He started acting like a jerk. He would blow me off and give me excuses that were obviously lies. Now he didn't have time for anything in his life except his job! He suddenly didn't have time to at least send one text message a day. He would disappear on me several times. I wouldn't hear from him for weeks, even months, and each time he comes back I would give him a another chance. I wanted to prove to him that he has nothing to be scared about because I'm not gonna bail out on him again like what I did to him before. I was so desperately trying to make him realize that I'm doing everything I can to let him know that I want to be with him and this time I'm sure.

But he said that this time he's the one who's uncertain. Apparently he's not ready for a relationship anymore. What a few weeks can do to change a man's mind about something he coud've sworn he was a hundred percent sure! Seems to me like he was just getting back at me for all the times I've hurt him. He was just out for revenge!

And so the 'Old Spaghetti House Fiasco' happened and that was the last straw for me. I couldn't let him treat me like that any further. He was being an ass and yet he had the nerve to justify his actions! We never spoke to each other for months...again! Until I ran into him at the parking lot and that's when he started buzzing into my YM.

Then one December weekend I found this DVD that we have been searching for ever since we started going out for the third time. So imagine my joy and excitement when I finally found what I have been looking for for months! You see, he said that he would buy the original copy of that movie and we would watch it together. Which obvioulsy never happened. He was annoyingly sending me messages in YM which I kept ignoring but when I saw that DVD I let go of my anger and replied to his message when he said... "I finally found the DVD!" I couldn't believe it! Apparently he found it first. He bought it that day I saw him at the parking lot. What a coincidence! And so I thought it was fate bringing us together... again!

But it wasn't.

He asked if we could spend a whole day together just the two of us and we could watch that movie. I told him that I may have forgiven him but I don't trust him anymore. I'm afraid that he would disappoint me yet again. But after a week, he asked me again for the second time. I said yes. I know what you're gonna say! Haven't I learned my lesson by now? My friends say that I should've walked out on him while he was sleeping on our date! I shouldn't even be talking to him! But I can't help it....I had the holiday blues and yes....I miss the jerkass!

But he didn't show up. Didn't even let me know that he can't make it....again! And I said to myself that that was really it! I've had enough! I officially hate him.....again!

However, it seems like fate wasn't done with us just yet. Two days after we were supposed to meet, I ran into him again! Seriously?!!! This time I pretended I didn't know him even though he came up to me and said hi and introduced me to his co-workers. I just looked at him and then left without saying a word. In my anger I sent him "hate" messages and called him names and said nasty things. According to him he never received any reply in his YM saying that I'm confirming. Who doesn't receive YM messages? For me, it was a complete and utter lie!

So just like that we were back to hating each other.

We were back to getting hurt.

Until this day I don't understand why he keeps making plans with me only to bail. I guess he finds joy in torturing me. I don't know how much I've hurt him in the past but I guess he could never forgive me for what I did to him. I still don't understand why we keep running into each other! Para syang bacteria! He's everywhere! But, there's a purpose why these things keep happening to me. There's something to be learned here. Lessons that I need to keep learning over and over and over! Lessons that I have to learn repeatedly until I get it right:

Forgiveness....Letting go....and Moving Forward....

I hope that one day I get past the hurt he has caused me so I can be completely healed....so I can move forward....so that I will be ready when I meet "God's Best".

I will have my happily ever after.

Not with him.

Not now.

But, soon.... =)

Top 5 Things To Do When You're Missing Someone But You Can't Let The Person Know

Top 5: "Chuck it Away"

Get rid of everything that reminds you of him/her. Turn off the radio or delete some if not all the songs in your iPod or PSP or MP3 or wherever gadget you store your music. Even just a song or a scent or a TV show will remind you of either all the happy times you've had together or why you hate the person so much. I once had a "burial ceremony" where I burried in our backyard all the things that reminded me of this ex that I was having a hard time getting over. Whenever I would miss him I would smell his favorite sleep shirt that he gave me because even after a couple of months it still smelled like him. Well, either the scent didn't go away or he smells like a balikbayan box.

Top 4: "Get Busy"

Try your best not to think about the person by keeping yourself busy. Divert your attention to things that will help you forget about your misery. Talking about the person too much to just about every living thing who will listen will definitely not help you to your path of recovery. So talk about other things. Find your passion. Take up a hobby. Read books. Pray. Or start blogging. Channel your feelings through other things. Just don't do drugs.

Top 3: "Go out"

And by go out I mean with friends or family or co-workers NOT on a date with someone you know is just a consolation prize! Surround yourself with people who truly love you, these are the people who has stuck by you over the years through thick and thin. Dating a rebound guy/girl is one of the worst mistakes you can ever do. If you actually think that you can fill that void in your heart by looking for a replacement well you're mistaken my friend. Because you can't avoid comparing the two and pretty soon you'll realize that there's no one in the world you'd rather be with but the person you're missing so terribly.

Top 2: "Don't go online"

Stop checking (every chance you get) his/her Facebook, Friendster, Multiply, MySpace or whatever website where you will find information about him/her and if you can't help it then don't go online at all. It's better that you don't learn any news about the person because it'll just make you miss him/her even more or worse you might find out something that will just break your already broken heart. And besides that's bordering on stalking and you gotta admit it's a lil' bit creepy!

And the Top 5 thing to do when you're missing someone but you can't let the person know is:

"LET HIM/HER KNOW!"

I mean why torture yourself?! So what if he/she doesn't feel the same way? You're just being honest, right? But of course if you do this you cannot expect the person to react the way you want them to and there's always a chance that you'll get hurt and disappointed even more. It's a risk you gotta take just be sure that it's a risk worth taking. Now, if the response you get is less than desirable you can always say you were drunk and had no idea what you were talking about!

DISCLAIMER: The author of this blog is no relationship expert. She has not received any degree or certification in Psychology or anything related to the study of human behavior and emotions. She will not be held liable for whatever outcome, good or bad, the reader taking her advice may experience. She is however a failed relationships expert.

And of course obviously I'm only writing this because I'm missing someone and I can't let him know. Sometimes I'm not even sure who I'm missing really, maybe it's not a particular person anymore. It's the idea of having to miss someone. Or maybe I haven't been out on a real date for so long that inspite of me being a commitment-phobe...

I miss being in a "couple".

Single... But Not Alone

As my 27th birthday looms nearer I suddenly caught the most dreadful birthday blues. You see, when I was a kid I looked forward to my birthday every year because I was sure that my mom would always throw me a party. You know that feeling you had when you were a kid and tomorrow is the school field trip and you just can't sleep because of excitement? Well, that's how excited I used to be whenever my birthday was coming up.

But, when I reached my 20's that "birthday excitement" started to fade away every year as some boy would trample all over my heart leaving me heartbroken on two of my favorite times of the year-- Christmas and My Birthday. Actually, I celebrated my last two birthdays with whoever I was dating at that time but it doesn't count because I wasn't really in love with them so it wasn't that special. And I think my last birthday was the worst because I even went on a vacation to celebrate my birthday week with my rebound guy. The whole time we were together I was secretly hoping that this other guy I'm still in love with would remember to greet me on my special day! Sadly, he didn't. And then three weeks after I heard from him but this rebound dude was already my boyfriend. But, that's another story.

So here I am again about to celebrate another birthday...single.

As the years added on so did my circle of friends. So by the time I was in my early 20's I would usually celebrate my birthday at least 3 times. One with my family, then the other with my high school friends, then with my college friends, then with people from work plus friends I've met in church or whatever class/course I enrolled in after I graduated from college. This year was no different. I celebrated my birthday 3 times and was given the sweetest surprise!

My first birthday dinner was spent with my high school friends and twin sister/cousin a week in advance. Two of them came home for the holidays from abroad so it was a really great birthday gift because at least this year I'm not celebrating it with the only other high school friend left here in the Philippines.

Then on my birthday I received another surprise! My cousin-in-law heard me saying on Christmas that I'm not looking forward to my birthday because it makes me sad. So she prepared a birthday lunch for me complete with a birthday cake, flowers and a "Happy Birthday" banner! She says that everyone should be happiest on their bithday in spite of all the things making you unhappy.

To add more to my birthday surprises my cousin whom I haven't seen for a year came to visit from Australia. I cried when I saw her because she said she couldn't get home in time for my birthday! I also received birthday cards and gifts from my relatives in Australia.

But wait! There's more! I had a birthday dinner prepared by my mom with relatives from my dad's side with my twin sister/cousin again and my Michellaneous staff. I had not one, not two, but three birthday cakes!

And that's when I realized that even though I'm not celebrating my birthday yet again with someone very special I get to celebrate it with not one, not two, but more than my fingers can count family and friends who love me so much that they stuck with me through all these years in spite of my shenanigans, jadedness, bitterness, craziness, goofiness, emabarassing dance/karaoke moves, so many failed relationships they lost tract, kaartehan and ka-dramahan.

Being surrounded by loved ones and receiving so many birthday greetings my phone didn't stop beeping and ringing that day showed me how God demonstrates His everlasting love for us through people He puts in our lives. I got cured from my birthday blues, it didn't matter anymore if any of those jerks remembered to at least greet me or if some dude made that day special for me by leaving balloons outside my front door or going on an unplanned road trip or giving me a free trip to Boracay because they're not the only source of happiness in the world. I can't deny the fact that there is a longing in my heart to have someone on my special day but I know that I will have more birthdays to celebrate it with the one man I'm meant to celebrate all my birthdays with. I know he's out there, probably learning how to bake a birthday cake or he'll probably come out of a giant birthday cake with just a bow tie on...who knows?!

So I may have yet again celebrated another birthday single...

Single... but not alone.

Escape from Reality 2: The Adventures of Michy and Moira

Someone once told me that "Boracay is soooo overrated!" But, I beg to differ.

I wasn't really looking forward to going back to Boracay for the third time last year because well....I'm kinda sick of it! I wanted to go somewhere I haven't traveled to like Bohol or Palawan or Pagudpud. But my mom insisted on going to that overcrowded, garbage littered, overrated little island they call paradise. And so I went for the nth time with my parents and cousin/best friend/twin sister. I didn't expect too much from that vacation, wasn't really excited about it but I guess when you really less expect it life can sometimes surprise you!

Our first surprise was at Microtel Inn & Suites where we stayed at. It's located on what they call Station Zero or Diniwid Beach. It's this isolated part of the island separated from the long stretch of 4-km white sand beach by a huge rock formation. It felt like we were on a private island! It wasn't crowded unlike on the white beach where there are too many people walking around while you're lounging by the beach. The hotel shuttle was waiting for us at the port jetty. This was a nice surprise for me because I don't have to go on a bumpy tricycle ride where I always have the fear that I'm gonna fall off when I ride at the back! When we arrived, the hotel staff welcomed us with drinks, cold towels and a shell necklace! All of them were so friendly and helpful. They would greet all their guests with a warm smile even if they're just walking by, offer fresh beach towels and attend to our needs. Definitely exceeding customer expectations! Kudos to the staff of Microtel Inn & Suites Boracay! Now, this is what a vacation should be like!

I made sure this Boracay trip would be adventure-packed because I thought to myself that the only way I would enjoy my vacation is to do things I haven't done before. So, on my first day I went parasailing---a once in a lifetime experience that was supposed to last for 15 minutes but I only lasted 10 because I seriously thought I was gonna die up there! It's something I've always wanted to do but I'm not someone who would spend a ridiculous amount of money on something that could actually kill me! It was such an awesome feeling to be so high up and feel like I'm the king of the world but as soon as the excitement died down from all the shouting I did (which happened after 5 minutes) I suddenly realized that anything can happen. I could plummet to my death with just one snap of the rope! I realized that I rushed into it without really thinking about the down side. All I saw at first was how cool it was gonna be. But when fear and doubt started creeping in that's when I realized that I wanted to stop. Just like that.

Much like what I do in life. Most of the decisions I made were done impulsively. Often, I would be blinded by how shiny a relationship looks at first. And when the glitter wears off revealing the person's flaws and imperfections I start to doubt my feelings and intentions. And then I bail! Just like that. And then I jump into the next brand spankin' shiny new relationship. The cycle never ends. No wonder I'm still single! But then again, at least I don't regret going parasailing because that's just an awesome experience I'll never forget... unlike the jerks I dated!

On our second day, we went on an ATV (All Terrain Vehicle) ride which my cousin calls Alternative Terrain Vehicle. We rode up to Mt. Luho, the highest peak in Boracay which also happens to be on the other side of the white beach. I've been on the island like 6 times already but I haven't seen the other side of it. It was breathtaking! It doesn't look like Boracay at all! 'Twas like a totally different place.

Sometimes we live our whole lives looking at things the same way. It was what we grew up knowing so we stick to what we know, to what's familiar, to what's comfortable. But growing up means opening your eyes to other possibilities and ideas, that other people could be right. It doesn't hurt to look at the other side-- of the story, of things, of people. Try looking at things differently like through the eyes of another person. You never know, you might actually discover something pretty amazing!

On our third day we went underwater helmet diving. Apparently this water sport is pretty new to the island and of course I just had to try it! We put on this helmet that's 25kg on land and 1kg underwater. We walked on the sea floor while feeding the fishes and posing endlessly infront of the waterproof camera. On a scale of 1 to Awesome it was definitely awesome!

In the afternoon, we went on a sunset paraw sail. Watching the sun go down in the middle of the sea while sitting on a net and dangling our feet in the water was a different way of savoring the romantic sunset Boracay is famous for. What a perfect way to end such a beautiful vacation.

Now you may think that all those adventures would be the highlight of my trip. But wait! There's more!

The highlight of my Boracay trip was doing all those awesome stuff, taking fabulous pictures and experiencing new things with my cousin/bestfriend/twin sister, Monmon a.k.a Moira. I wouldn't have that much fun if he wasn't there with me. We definitely had a blast! We laughed hysterically 90% of the time at anything and everything!

The best part was that one time where it rained so hard it seemed like the whole ocean was poured on the island. We stopped for shelter at a restaurant while waiting for the rain to stop but the hotel shuttle was supposed to pick us up. Because we didn't want to be left behind by the shuttle we braved through the pouring rain. We couldn't stop laughing along the way because we only had a sarong as our cover and it got soaked as soon as we stepped out into the rain. So it was pretty much useless but we kept walking on. And then just when we were a few feet from our destination, a strong wind blew away our only cover from the unforgiving outpour of rain. Now, instead of Monmon picking it up he just kept laughing! And I found it funny that he wasn't doing anything that I just stood there laughing as well! When we got to the waiting area the rain suddenly stopped and we found out that our shuttle would be 15 minutes late because the rain flooded the only street going to the hotel so he's stuck in traffic! If only we waited for the rain stop... then we wouldn't have that much fun!

Much like what I do in life. Although I panic and stress a lot when I'm stuck in a difficult situation I always make sure that at least I make the most of my predicament or turn it into a positive experience (see....I'm not all damaged and broken!). However bleak your circumstance may look like there's always a bright side to it and there's always a chance for you to make it sunshiny happy. Decision lang 'yan! (It's your decision) You can choose to be miserable or you can choose to be happy---one of the things I'm continually and painfully learning through the heartbreaking process of guy-jumping resulting into failed relationships. But, I'm glad I'm learning. I'm learning not to depend my happiness on people (particularly men) and on my circumstance but instead I find my joy and stength in the Lord.

There's always new things to do in Boracay. There's always new experiences waiting for you on that tropical paradise inspite the fact that people say it's overrated and it's not all that. Yes, the millions of tourists and influx of foreign investors building hotels after hotels might have polluted and damaged the once untouched, unparalleled beauty that is Boracay. But I am still drawn to the powdery white sand that remains cool inspite the scorching heat of the sun, clear blue waters and equally blue skies that only Boracay has. And with so much things you can do in land, air and water---sports, shopping, food, night life--you'll never run out of fun things to do!

I also made new friends on this trip, particularly with the locals. On one of our long walks from Diniwid to the white beach we ran into a 9-year old boy and asked him if he thinks it'll rain that afternoon. We ended up having a conversation with him about life in Boracay. I said that I envy him because he gets to live by the beach and he said that he's sick of it and thinks that life in the city is way better. Ironic huh? Then one afternoon we also met Madeline, the 14-year old girl who braided my hair. She has been braiding hair since she was 8. Everyday, she would go straight from school to the white beach and convince tourists to get their hair braided. Madeline has 8 siblings, her mother does other people's laundry for a living and her father is unemployed so she relies on whatever she earns from braiding to help with her family's finances. Sometimes we would play frisbee or just hang out with some locals and foreigners. All the people we encountered on that island were really friendly. This trip was like experiencing Boracay for the first time all over again! Not only will I take home wonderful memories, pictures and videos with me but each time I visit the island I always discover something new about myself.

Of course this is a certified beach bum talking. Even if my itinerary is not jam-packed with activities I could just lounge around by the beach listening to the waves, soaking in the sun, burrying my feet in the cool powdery white sand and diving into the cool blue water all day! What made my Escape from Reality legendary was spending it in style and flair with someone equally awesome!

As Monmon would say it, "What are the beaches for but to beetch around with your fellow beetches!"